In 1997, psychologist Arthur Aron and his colleagues sat pairs of strangers down with a list of 36 questions. The full set takes about 45 minutes, and the questions grow more personal as you go.
That list is now famous as the 36 questions to fall in love. The honest version is simpler. The questions build closeness, and closeness is the soil love grows in.
There is no spell here and no trick. There is just a clear order, two people, and answers that get a little braver with each set.
Below is the full list in its original order, plus the rules that make it work and the quiet final step most people skip.
The Story Behind the Questions
Aron and his fellow researchers were studying how closeness forms between people. They paired up strangers who had never met and gave each pair the same 36 questions to ask each other.
The design was careful. Set 1 stays light, Set 2 asks for more, and Set 3 asks for real honesty. That slow climb is the whole point, because trust grows in steps, not in leaps.
One pair from an early session later got married. Years later, a 2015 essay in The New York Times shared the list with the world, and millions of couples have tried it since. If your answers leave you wanting more, these deep questions for couples keep the same spirit.
How to Do the 36 Questions to Fall in Love
Sit facing each other somewhere comfortable and quiet. Take turns reading the questions out loud, and both of you answer every single one.
Keep the order. The sets are built to warm up slowly, so skipping ahead to the heavy questions breaks the effect.
Put your phones in another room. Give the full run about 45 to 60 minutes of real attention.
Short on time? Do Set 1 and Set 2 tonight, then finish Set 3 tomorrow. Splitting the list across two nights works fine.
When you reach the end of Set 3, do not stop. The final step comes after question 36, and it is explained below.
Set 1: Getting Comfortable (Questions 1 to 12)
These first twelve stay light on purpose. Answer honestly, but save your deepest stories for later sets.
- Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
- Would you like to be famous? In what way?
- Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
- What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
- When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
- If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
- Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
- Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
- For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
- If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
- Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
- If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Set 2: Going Deeper (Questions 13 to 24)
Set 2 asks about memories, family, and the things you value most. Slow down here and let each answer breathe.
- If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
- Is there something that you have dreamed of doing for a long time? Why have you not done it?
- What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
- What do you value most in a friendship?
- What is your most treasured memory?
- What is your most terrible memory?
- If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
- What does friendship mean to you?
- What roles do love and affection play in your life?
- Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
- How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
- How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Set 3: The Honest Set (Questions 25 to 36)
Set 3 turns the questions toward each other. This is where most couples say the real conversation starts.
- Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling…”
- Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”
- If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
- Tell your partner what you like about them. Be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you have just met.
- Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
- When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
- Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
- What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
- If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why have you not told them yet?
- Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
- Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
- Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
A quick word about the heavy ones, like questions 18, 24, 33, and 36. It is fine to pause, take a breath, or share a smaller piece of the answer. Nobody owes a full story, and the only rule that matters is that both of you feel safe.
The Final Step: Four Minutes of Eye Contact
After question 36, set a timer for four minutes. Sit facing each other and look into each other’s eyes without talking.
Four minutes will feel much longer than it sounds. That stretch of quiet is the point, and most couples say it is the part they remember most.
Tips for Couples Trying This
- Take turns going first. Swap who answers first every few questions, so the same person is not always in the hot seat. Sharing conversation starters on other nights keeps the same habit alive.
- Listen without fixing. Some answers are stories, not problems. Let them land before you respond.
- Do not rush Set 3. The last set carries the most weight. If you are tired, stop after Set 2 and finish tomorrow.
- End the night gently. Make tea, take a short walk, or just sit together for a while. Heavy talk deserves a soft landing.
- Repeat your favorites later. A few questions, like the perfect day or the crystal ball, give new answers as life changes. Ask them again in a year.
Will It Really Make You Fall in Love?
Honest answer: the study was built to create closeness between strangers, not to guarantee love. What the researchers showed is that steady, mutual honesty makes two people feel close, fast.
For couples, the value is a little different. Routine slowly closes the kind of talk this list reopens, and these questions hand that talk back to you in a safe order.
No list can promise a feeling. But an hour of real answers can remind you both why you chose each other, and that is worth plenty.
Conclusion
You now have the full list of the 36 questions to fall in love, in the original order, with the rules that make them work.
Pick a quiet night this week. Sit down, start with question 1, and let the sets do their slow work.
And if you want to warm up first, these questions to ask your boyfriend are a lighter place to begin.
FAQs
How long do the 36 questions take?
The full run of the 36 questions to fall in love takes about 45 to 60 minutes for most couples. Add four quiet minutes at the end for the eye contact step.
Can couples who already know each other do this?
Yes. The list was made for strangers, but couples often get the most from it. Long-time partners still hear new answers, mostly in Set 2 and Set 3.
Do we have to finish all 36 in one night?
No. You can split the list across two nights, as long as you keep the order. Many couples do Sets 1 and 2 first, then Set 3 the next evening.
What if a question feels too heavy?
Pause, breathe, or answer a smaller part of it. Sharing should always feel chosen, never forced. You can also agree to come back to that question another night.
Where did the 36 questions come from?
Psychologist Arthur Aron and his colleagues published them in 1997 as part of a study on closeness. A 2015 New York Times essay later made the list famous around the world.
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